Anne (ajva) wrote,

  • Mood:

more shorts

I'd like to make a point about the shorts thing.

I feel a need to explain that it is not criticism of my legs per se that got me riled. I'm getting a lot of well-meaning (and of course welcome) comments of the "don't listen to them - you have lovely legs" variety and while it is of course not pleasant to be told that you have the legs of a turkey this really is only part of the problem.

After all, if I was only upset about being told a bit of me was ugly, why would I have included in the list all the people claiming to want to pick me up? Evidently, the grown men wolf-whistled and asked for a fuck because they liked the look of a bit of leg and leather (and they behaved as if, in wearing what I did, I was trying to say "would you?"). Evidently, the teenage boys liked the look of it too but couldn't articulate that, and the teenage girls were, for the most part, jealous of my self-confidence. Turkey girl is obviously an example of the type of girl who rules the roost at school by undermining other girls' confidence. She matters nothing to me in herself.

I'm quite thick-skinned, you know. Nevertheless, there is a level beyond which teasing stops being just water off a duck's back, and starts being something of a major nuisance, because it is relentless. It was the relentlessness that got me: I was left feeling physically tired. I think it might be because each individual episode of teasing or propositioning is like a potential conflict, and the body definitely reacts as such. Each one triggers the fight or flight response at some level, and if you are saturated like that in adrenalin over such a long period, it really does shatter your nerves. I think this point is often missed by people who don't experience this sort of thing. It is irritating and can be upsetting to get something like this once in a day. But to get it all day (or indeed, day after day) is awful.

So you see, I really feel it is important to point out that it is not that I felt ugly or embarrassed about being fat or yadda yadda yadda. I couldn't give a shit about what inexperienced children or teenagers trying to secure their own status with their peers think, and I can just about cope with being asked for a fuck (although the strength of that language is actually quite frightening when shouted across the street). What did me in the end was the physical effect it had - the utter exhaustion.
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